#EuphOff: Tool of the Trade

When I saw a request by The Other Livvy to submit gloriously awful, cringe-worthy erotica, I just had to submit something! As someone who rarely uses euphemisms in my writing (I love the word cock, I love the word cunt, and I love the word fuck- and would use them at any given opportunity) it was fun to think of new euphemisms, which inspired this story.


He’d been at it for a while. I could tell by the beads of sweat on his brow, the filthy state of his knees and the tired slowing of his wrist. He was excited at first, and I could tell in the speed of his action that he was trying to reach new depths and unearth dark, deep secrets.

He stood up, faltering under the intense heat enveloping us. My eyes trailed towards the ground, drinking in every detail.

‘Professor Hardbone’ I began, sheepishly. ‘Is that what I think it is?’

His hand drifted to the protrusion, which he revealed. I was embarrassed. I knew I was an amateur, yet I should know how to control such a thing. But presently I couldn’t even look at it without blushing.

It was beautiful. His shaft fit perfectly, in his palm and his proficiency in wielding such a specimen oozed from his very being. I examined the hard, thick hilt as his calloused fingers grabbed its length. The filthy tip was a testament to the work it must have already done. I would have cleaned mine afterwards, but what did I know?

‘Yes. Would you like…?’

He trailed off, and I followed with my gaze as his girthy handle entered my possession. It looked strong, experienced… worn. I imagine a wealth of treasures had been at its glistening end. I wonder if he still thought about them, each one in turn, or whether only a select few dance across his experienced mind.

I wrapped my fingers around it, and there was no give. My wrist was weak, but I’m sure that could change… with practice.

‘It’s so…’ I trail off and examine his tool, from the base to the tip. ‘It’s so solid’

I blush again, not knowing what I was expecting for my first experience.

‘Yes, Lucy. This has served me well over the many years.’

I relished the feeling in my hand. The stiff, unforgiving haft felt reassuringly comfortable in my soft, delicate hands.

‘Professor Hardbone, how would I be able to have one of these for myself?’

‘Lucy, weren’t you listening all those months ago? You entered my office and we discussed such matters.’

‘No Professor, I feel I’ve learned so much from you since then. Please forgive my memory.’ The colour rose in my face, as my eyes travelled to the floor.

‘If you wish to dedicate your life to going down for a living, you need to become competent in handling and manipulating one of these.’

He took one last look at the colour between my pale, inexperienced fingers.

‘This is a 4″ solid forged archaeological trowel, and you will be able to purchase one from all good archaeological tool retailers, usually for under £15…’

Over the course of the next month, you can find other #EuphOff entries be submitted to this collection here. Perhaps you feel inclined to write your own? I found that getting some friends around, drinking wine and discussing dirty talk mishaps was a great start!

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